after a long hiatus...

First, I want to let you know that my web mail crashed this summer and I lost all of my contacts…so if you have ever emailed me, please do so again, as I am missing many of you and can’t do anything about it…okay? My address is jasmine@jasminewhenham.com
So I asked my mom recently why she thinks I’m here…what my job is in this world. First she said, “to make people think” and then she said, “no, it’s to make people feel”. Maybe it’s both. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately…struggling to find a reason for my little existence and wondering whether I can affect any change in my lifetime.
I’m listening to Jann Arden self-titled as I write this and I have to say I’m not really impressed with it…even the good tracks are ones I’ve heard on her previous recordings, just retooled and produced differently. I used to hang on her every word…I remember reading her online journal entries and thinking she must be from another world, here to put into words the unspeakable and teach us all something about compassion and living well. These days I’m too otherwise preoccupied to read her journal, let alone write in mine, but when I was a devout reader, sometimes the things she said made such an impression on me that I felt compelled to write her a letter telling her how she had spoken my unspeakable and made me feel less alone in a difficult time. I thought about whether she would ever read that letter or email and I eventually came to the conclusion that it was enough that she had helped me with the sharing of her thoughts and feelings and that it would serve no purpose for me to tell her so.
So now here I am, releasing my record and looking ahead to a bright future and I have my own online journal. I have my own stage to speak from and my own truth to tell, in the hopes that someone will read or hear my words and somehow be affected, comforted, compelled, inspired, or simply entertained. I make myself vulnerable to my audience. I leave myself to your judgments, good or bad, and I tell my truth in my own words and unabashedly.
Well, it would seem that my little old thoughts compelled some individuals to contact me and tell me how I had shared things that hit close to home for them. I remembered my own thoughts of writing to Ms Arden and I thought, “if I had done that, it would have meant a lot to me if she had responded in some way.” I will also say that while I am painfully lazy and neglectful when it comes to anything internet related, I do eventually reply to all the emails that come through my inbox. And so, I replied in good faith and with good intentions.
Sometimes people have motives that are impure. Sometimes people have hidden agendas. Sometimes people are so lost that they can think of nothing else but pulling other people down into their mire. Sometimes people take advantage of innocence, honesty and vulnerability…it’s not new to me, it goes back to grade school when I handed my new time jammer watch (a birthday present from my grandma) to the class bully because he “thought it was cool” and “wanted to see it close up“. Yeah, he called me a loser and flushed it down the toilet. Fortunately it didn’t go down, but if you’ve ever been the kid reaching into the toilet to pull your watch out as your jeering classmates point and laugh, you know this isn’t exactly a happy ending. I’m proud to say that my heart still gets stepped on, because that just means I’m still holding it out there, even though I appreciate the risk.
As a side note, I watched the series premiere of Ugly Betty tonight and I think I love it. It made me feel something I haven’t felt from a tv show before…still can’t quite convert that feeling to words, but it was something distinctly different. Check it out. Of course, I am also all wrapped up in Grey’s Anatomy again and totally blown away by how many tv shows KT Tunstall has her songs on…first on Ugly Betty and then an hour later on Six Degrees, plus every time someone left So You Think You Can Dance last season, plus American Idol, plus Canadian Idol…is this a Simon Cowell thing? I’d love to hear my song on a syndicated show…anyone know how to make that happen?
So anyway, here I am, back on line, despite the jerks that scared me off for a while. I really try to be real and good and kind at all times and to everyone I meet, regardless of the headspace I may be in myself at the time. I am comforted by the knowledge that I am doing my best and I will continue doing what I do and being who I am, but if you step on me, I’ll take down your name and add it to the list. Furthermore, believe me, if you have already abused my trust, I do know who you are. All of you. And you know who you are. So when I don’t talk to you when you come to my shows, when I turn away from you as you approach me, please do not think that I am high on a horse, because I am not. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else…quite the contrary most days. I am not a hurtful, vindictive person and I am not simply a bitch. If I don’t talk to you, if I don’t share myself openly and honestly with you as I do with everyone else, it is likely because you had your chance and blew it and have done something to wrong me or someone I love. It is your fault, not mine.
There is nothing worse in this world than abusing innocent, honest vulnerability.