stuck in a puddle

Someone has actually been reading these things.
I never really considered that likely.
Anyway, she seems to think I've been a little dark lately, so she sent me an email asking me if I'm ok...
The answer is always yes, I'm just fine.
What's strange to me is that the parts of me that aren't okay are all secrets.
I called my mom in a fit of hysteria last night, after spending an hour telling myself that I wouldn't. I let everything out and cried until I couldn't breathe. However, as soon as I had expressed all that stuff, I feel instantly guilty for throwing it all on her. My mom doesn't need that, nor my dad. But Mom's the one that always jumps on side with me immediately and rushes to defend and protect my truth, never questioning me, even despite all the lies I told her in the long ago past. Dad's the one that talks to me calmly and rationally after I've calmed down and explains that the rad I just replaced might be quite fine and it might just be a problem with the thermostat or the heater core that is preventing any heat from circulating inside the car. They already do too much for me, and I know that they would both be much happier if I could just be okay and figure out a way to be productive.
I certainly can't rely on friends to listen to me and understand. First of all, they don't really have enough of themselves invested in me to understand or try to. Secondly, they might sit and make you feel better about yourself, but then your friends start talking to eachother, saying things like,"It's so hard to be around her", "she used to be so much fun", "I wish she would just figure it out and get over it already", worse yet,"Isn't it a shame about Jasmine?" or "she's so young...when she's older and gone through more, this won't seem so bad." I've been down that road before...you start to look a little too needy, not quite worth the effort, and the friends start disappearing, looking for relationships that require less maintenance. And I don't blame them for a second. Who needs that?
Fake it until you make it, jasmine. You won't be this way forever. It will get better. These are the things I tell myself over and over and over in my head, but to no avail. I am stuck in a puddle.
And so, I write my thoughts down, in a way explaining them to myself in a way I can better understand. My friends don't sit down and check out my website on a regular basis, you see. Many of them haven't got the faintest idea where I am or how I am. Others know there's something up and I've probably given them the explanation I think they are most likely to understand..."I'm lonely", "I'm stressed out about making this record right now", "I'm worried about money".
I keep all my truths to myself and therefore, maybe I myself am becoming a secret, kept from those I love to protect them.
After all, nobody wants to join you in a puddle.

But really, I'm okay.