strange again

March 7, 2005
Solitaire is killing me. I’m serious. I can feel it creeping into my brain, taunting me with promises of careless abandon and countless hours of mind numbing simplicity. If I have to lift my ass off this chair to have a shower, it will be under protest, that’s for sure. I tell myself, “go write this down, you idiot, because you’re RUNNING OUT OF TIME!” Soon this misery will pass and be replaced by a modest contented feeling, tempered of course with the anticipation of the next catastrophic occurrence, which have become commonplace in my life. God, why can’t I speak in shorter sentences? The run-ons are tedious. I’m not sure which part of me is winning in my inner struggle at the moment. I feel as though I just need to play dead so as to protect myself from potential predators. I tell myself that I will never meet anyone nice if I’m playing dead, but I’m not very good at heeding authority, so chances are that I will ignore myself.
I wrote a few good things today and practiced for hours. My hands are fighting me every step of the way here, and I am just about to fire them and find some that are more committed to the music, you know?
There really is nothing left to be said, you know. Like, nothing. Heartache, loneliness, you left me, I left you, I’m sorry, I’m not sorry, I want you back, I don’t want you back, you’re so sexy, you’re so new, don’t go, please go, bah bah black sheep have you any wool? Why yes, sir, but keep in mind it’s the same as all the other wool out there. Weird. I am weird and I think weird thoughts.
I was thinking about men today and how I really don’t get them. I mean, they are really perplexing in the way that they operate and what makes them happy. I wish I could be one for a day. Well, okay, maybe a week, just so I’d have the complete package experience. I think the first thing I would do is talk to some women about how I feel. I mean, really trip them out with my amazing understanding of how it feels to be a woman. Good times. Am I getting strange again?
Shit.
I’m wearing the dorkiest little outfit right now. That’s it. I need to shower now.
I have found the motivation, but perhaps only for a moment so I must seize it.