judgemental? me?

March 26, 2005

memories flicker
like an old motion picture
starring you
supported by me

I grew up believing that there are things you forgive people for and there are other things that are absolutely unforgivable.
This sort of conviction leads to making frequent judgements about everyone that one encounters.
It also results in being very judgemental about one's own actions.
What do you do when the person you need to forgive is yourself?
Of all the things I have done that I regret, lying to myself will always be tops.
Black and white...if you do "this" or "that" you will not be forgiven. You cannot redeem yourself. You get no more chances. Hmmmmm...
I am trying to smear the black and white a little. I am, in fact, beginning to wonder if actions mean anything at all. I mean, I can't find one, single person that has anything really "figured out", so with those stats, how does anything good ever happen? People are screwed up and they get more screwed up as they screw up themselves and others while they're trying not to screw up.
Maybe it's all about remorse. Maybe if you learn from a mistake, it doesn't matter how big it was or how many people it seemingly affected. However, with that logic, everyone must be carrying the remorse and self-doubt that I am and I can tell you, it's neither helping me nor healing me.
I can see why people become born-again Christians. If you told me right now that I could splash some water on my face and accept a savior and all my guilt, pain, and doubt would vanish, hey, I might just get in that line up right now.
I think about the lost souls that I have loved and I wonder what it would take to save them. Who would it take? What kind of "nice girl" would it take to help them be okay? Who would love them "enough"?
I wonder this about them, of course, because I'm really wondering...who would want me with all my quirks? Is anyone ever going to want me?
I don't know who I am at any given moment...it's like my life is a series of motion pictures, each one a different period in my life. One represents a failed relationship, a couple are all about failed careers, and dozens of bad sitcoms could be produced from my brief encounters with many fairweather friends.
Here's the kicker: all these f ing movies about my life flash through my thoughts, flickering in my mind's eye as though they are being shown through an old Gaumont Kalee projector...
and I'm not the lead role in any of them.
I play a helluve supporting actress. I'm ready to take a lead some days, but mostly I chicken out.
I listen a lot. I don't really have anything to say most times (and when I do, chances are good that it will all come out wrong and be entirely inappropriate) and so I listen.
That's all I have to say. I'm going to my friend Sondra's birthday party now.
jasmine